If you’ve read my last few posts, you’ve probably noticed that I’ve alluded heavily to a big lifestyle change that has impacted how the last few months have unfolded for me. I’m reluctant to share too many details on here, but if we’re blogland friends, feel free to reach out to me and be nosy, I really don’t mind. The gist of what happened is that, for the first time in nearly ten years, I’m a single woman. Yes, Jason is still alive and, I assume, well, but we’re no longer together.
It was his decision, and for a while I struggled with it, but in the last couple of months I’ve seen my life become remarkably less complicated. I no longer feel the pressure to have a baby while SO many in my immediate circle of family and friends are having children. This was the number one reason he cited for leaving-that he felt I’d never be ready to have kids of the human sort and I’d continue to fill that void with animals.
I could always change my mind about this down the road once I’m in a new relationship, or hell, without one if I wanna live the single mom life. But that’s just it, it is my life and I can choose if I want to bring another life into my life if I want. The beauty of my current situation is that everyone is not only not pressuring me into having a baby for the first time in years, but, despite not verbally admitting it, they’re relieved that I didn’t have one in my marriage because of how much more complicated all of this would be.
Speaking of complications, there have been few. I’ll continue to have the exact same number of animals, live in the same house, pay the same bills, farm the same piece of property to the best of my not-so-great ability, and love the same people. My family and friends have been the MOST supportive the last few months and I can’t imagine how I would’ve gotten to this point without them. I spend a lot of time with my mom and brother/sister-in-law/niece and I really wouldn’t have it any other way.
The dogs have been a huge source of comfort at home. Coming home to an empty house would’ve been hell and the dogs keep me from ever worrying about being alone. They’ve adjusted fabulously and, while I feel guilty that they’re crated so much while I’m at work and the barn, they seem as happy as ever and I try to spend equal times cuddling with each of them.
I am thankful that I had 75 trips lined up for this fall, because it gave me the opportunity to get away from life without knowing that I would need to. Charleston, WEG, a wedding and a horse show punctuated every change that I’ve been through over the last few months and literally forced me to keep my spirits high and to not sink into a depression. I’m a fairly task oriented person, so when I was home between all of these trips, my focus was more on getting everything separated and in order for whatever was next moreso than it was wallowing in my own self pity. This isn’t to say that I haven’t had my moments, but the more time passes, the fewer and further between they become.
Overall, it has obviously been a huge change. People still seem to walk on eggshells around me somewhat, but I try to lighten the mood with a quip about my house being so clean nowadays, getting to put flannel sheets on my bed again, etc. SO many people in our lives don’t even know because neither of us have posted anything on facebook about it, so as I see people in person and they ask about him, I fill them in. Which may be more awkward? I can’t decide. Either way, I’ve basically just been taking things one day at a time and am living the life I want without too much thought about the opinions of others.
It is liberating to know that I can go and do what I want, when I want (assuming I have a dog sitter…bahaha) and that I can spend as much money as I want on Joey’s training, horse showing, etc. Not that Jason ever literally told me how to spend my money, but now that I’m able to prioritize things in my life myself, I can work towards the goals that make me happy without considering anyone else’s life goals for the first time in a while. It’s safe to say that getting divorced wasn’t on my 30 Before 30, but life is certainly different now, so who’s to say I can’t focus the next six months or so on a variety of self improvement type things on the list to make an effort to finish out the next six months of my twenties strong? I do want to take some sort of big trip for my 30th, so if any of you guys have a good suggestion for a weird solo vacay in May, let me know.
So, this is my big vulnerable confession type post to explain my absence/lack of whatever has been lacking over the last few months. One day I hope to blog more regularly, but with winter coming, I anticipate things will continue to be slow while I slog through the monotony that is cold weather and owning a farm. Though, who knows, doing everything myself might make for comical blog fodder! I have already broken a few things with the tractor this Fall while left unsupervised. 😂 Like I said, I’m taking things one day at a time…I’ll fix those things another day.